no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
