Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
