a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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