i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
