some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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