i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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