you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm just crazy horny about you
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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