My friends, they love my intelligence
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
