Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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