Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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