Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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