Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
