the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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