The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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