if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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