And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
