we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
