dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
