# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm like, not good at living.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
