Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
