How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
