what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
