I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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