She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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