so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
