Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
