You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
