I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
