I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
