I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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