Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
