her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
