What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
