The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
