The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
