Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
