shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i think my cat just said my name.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
