please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
