you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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