filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
