Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
