mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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