I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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