I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
