He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
