I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
