No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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