his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
