The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
