you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Every concussion has its silver lining
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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