I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
